Lucky Love's Loss

I met Dianne as she ascended the stairs in the Olivier Theatre of the National Theatre on the Left Bank of the Thames in London in 1976.

She gave me a sad Mona Lisa smile and I thought:

“Why can’t I ever have someone like her as my partner?”

I was alone, having had no partners for, like, forever.

And I was already 20 !

It was partly a consequence of growing up too quickly, and partly some confusion over my sexuality. Back when I was a kid, I did not have the benefit of today’s sexual fluidity - when it’s become chic for straight boys to kiss on Instagram. At my time of youth, it was very black and white and I was a colour inbetween.

Back in Sydney, I had joined the Ensemble Theatre as a volunteer Usher on my 16th birthday. I’d left school at the enlightened urging of my parents, who could see I was desperately unhappy at school and dreamt of being an actor.

After making a silly mistake on my first night at work, I explained to my boss in jocular familiarity:

“Sorry, I got pissed last night; it was my birthday.”

“Oh, how old?” she asked.

“16”

“What?! You shouldn’t be drinking at that age.” 

From that moment, I turned 18.

But trying to act 18 when you’re actually 16 is a hard gig. I missed all the years that awkward adolescents experience growing up. 

Q: How does a 16-year-old chase a girl in a room full of 30s+ adults?
A: He doesn’t.

Instead, I drank and partied with my adult friends, while crying inside. I deeply feared what would happen to me if I didn’t do anything about it. I confided in an Egyptian friend at the time, and he became my mentor and guided me as I challenged my fears and sought out Dianne as my lover.

We ended up getting engaged, and mum threw a party at our Mews in Paddington. I was ecstatic and happy.

However, my Alexander career was stunted by this new development.

I wanted to show Dianne my home country, and she promised to follow me after Xmas, so I left earlier, leaving my training after two years. But she didn’t come. Letter after desperate letter – “when are you coming?!” - was finally met with:

“Don’t think in the miracle of love that you loved me any more than I loved you.”

In true French style, I was cast away forever. 

Adieu.

I was alone, broke and 10,000 miles away from my Alexander training.