Secrets & Revelations

When I was very young I carried around a deep secret.

As time passed I increased the distance between my inner life and those around me. I started to withdraw from my life.

Instead of catching the school bus, I preferred to walk to a public bus where I could be alone and safe with my secret. Soon, I didn’t even want to be in school. I put on my uniform, cheerfully waved goodbye to my mum, then walked around the side of the house, climbed into a window and snuck back into my room for the day.

This happened more and more often until the idea of going to school was unbearable.

I was never found out, and hiding my secret taught me how to hide many things.

Then one day my Uncle Michael died of AIDS.

It was shocking – he was only 42. Everyone had often remarked “Jerry, you are so Michael!” which terrified me as I guessed he was gay and I thought everyone must know I had the same confusion inside. My secret – that I had carried since I was 5 – was about to escape.

In those days, it was a binary world. You were either straight or gay and there was no such thing as gender fluidity or pansexuality or the myriad of possibilities encompassed by LGBTQA+

One day in my room – one of the days I was wagging school – an explosive image of my Uncle as a corpse deep in the ground reminded me that my life would end too, and the cancer of my secret would destroy me if I let it.

The next day I was with my mum, going through the flat of my deceased Uncle and I plucked up the courage to say:

“Mum, I want to tell you something.”

She looked at me, knowing this was no ordinary request.

“I think I am like Michael.” I still couldn’t bear to say the words.

Mum said nothing. Instead, she pulled out a cigarette, lit it, inhaled deeply, then finally turned to me and remarked:

“I thought so.”

It was shattering and a relief all at once. 

SHE KNEW!???

From that day I began untangling and revealing my secret and it was also the beginning of a long, ragged healing process that goes on to this day.

I learnt that secrets are dangerous to your health.

Alexander’s discovery tends to loosen secrets – be ready for them.