The Anatomy of Terror

When I first started my school in Japan, I once wanted to die.

Not suicide, but almost. Because something happened…

And I reacted badly to it.

I was washed away by a tsunami of emotions so brutal that, for a moment, I wanted to drown. I wanted to escape from a darkness so overwhelming, it took my breath away.

I was co-teaching a workshop in Kyoto, in 2001.

Cathy Madden was visiting, we were co-teaching a group of 20 students at a workshop at Seminar House. The moment come to split the group, and we decided to be democratic about it: go to whichever teacher you like.

Cathy is here, Jeremy over there…

All (but one) participants headed over to Cathy's group.

DIE.

Alone, humiliated.

***silence***

It took me years to understand.

The fundamental cause of my despair arose from defining my identity based on events OVER WHICH I HAD NO CONTROL.

This is what happens when you define your work based on the reaction of others.

Lethal. And yet, epidemic.

Terror of public speaking has the same ontology: what do they think of me? They don't like me. They are bored. They want to leave. And so on and so on - an identity defined by the reactions of other people:

Because of this (reactions) I am that (a failure)

Insanity is what it is.

Tomorrow, my story of how I overcame TERROR.